Sunday, September 03, 2006

"The Wicker Man"

By Candie Kelty

The other day I rented the original The Wicker Man so I could have a refresher before seeing the new movie starring Nicholas Cage. I first watched The Wicker Man many years ago because my old boss had told me about it. He was explaining to me how all pagans are actually Satan worshippers, and I replied that no they aren't, because they don't believe that Satan exists so how could they worship him? and he said "Oh yeah? Just watch The Wicker Man!"

This morning when I looked at the IMDB page from the 1973 The Wicker Man, I started reading the user comments, and then the message boards regarding the movie. I was absolutely shocked at how seriously some people take this movie. These must be the same people who go to pagan message boards to ask the regular posters there, "the insider's view" of the Harry Potter movies. Not only that, when people call The Wicker Man a "classic masterpiece" I'm more than slightly concerned.

The Wicker Man (1973) was so incredibly retarded that it was one of the funniest movies I've ever seen. The horrible songs, and I mean horrible, so you sit there with your mouth hanging open because you can't believe what you're hearing, and who could imagine a movie with so much sex and nudity could be so boring? I guess if you want to put yourself into the situation that the main character is in, you could feel frightened at the feeling something sinister was going on -- I get that same feeling when I go to Olive Garden. In the end, after watching this "classic horror film," I was really only afraid of Christopher Lee's hair, both his own and the Cher wig and purple chiffon; that and Brit's fancy little butt dance against the door that was meant to be erotic but was more like a febrile convulsion.

The Christian cop thought he was investigating a missing girl but really that girl was used as bait to lure him into being a human sacrifice. The pagans were evil, the Christian was martyred, and, in the end, everyone sang a song with Lambchop elbows. The writer wanted to make a movie about modern-day human sacrifice, and so he did, the idea is very scary, and it was very convenient to use a group that most people, especially thirty years ago, didn't know much about. Comparing the residents of Summerisle with any actual people is ignorant. The setting and circumstances were the product of someone's imagination and only an dumdum would use The Wicker Man to make a logical point about religion. Why? It's not real!

After seeing it multiple times, I'm still not sure how my boss meant that pagans are Satan worshippers. That's okay, I'm done trying to figure people out, it's time for breakfast.

1973's The Wicker Man is C H E E S E Y, but amusing. See it if you like boobs, both the breast and the idiot kind.


Post a Comment

<< Home